A TRIBUTE TO DR. JOHN KAPPAS (1925-2002)

A TRIBUTE TO DR. JOHN KAPPAS (1925-2002)

SUGGESTIBILITY: A PERSONAL STORY:

SEXUALITY: A PERSONAL STORY:

A TRIBUTE TO DR. JOHN KAPPAS (1925-2002)

SUGGESTIBILITY: A PERSONAL STORY: CHAPLAIN PAUL G. DURBIN, PhD:

 Back in the middle 80s, I completed HMI Courses 101, 201, 301. From those courses, I learned about physical and emotional suggestibility which has had a profound positive effect on my success rate as a hypnotherapist. By using the "Suggestibility Questionnaire", I can word my suggestions in ways that ways that will best benefit the client. While giving information to the client, I tell them that the "Suggestibility Questionnaire" is a communication tool not a psychological evacuation so they should not worry about contradicting themselves. I tell them that by knowing how they respond to suggestions, I can word suggestions for their success. Understanding the importance of the "Suggestibility Questionnaire", I quite doing group sessions for "Stop Smoking" and "Weight Control" many years ago. As a results my success rate with all clients, especially smokers, has increased tremendously.

Some people respond best to direct suggestion, while others respond best to indirect suggestion. Most of us can respond to both direct and indirect suggestions but generally have a preference for one or the other. Our suggestibility usually comes from our primary care giver (usually our mother). If the child experiences his mother as saying what she means and meaning what she says, he will usually be more responsive to direct suggestions. If the verbal and non-verbal part of her communication does not express the same thing, the child begins to search for the real meaning. The individual begins to look for the implied meaning, rather than what is actually said. This person usually responds best to indirect or implied suggestions. Balanced suggestibility comes when in certain areas the mother is consistent in what she says while in other areas, she gives conflicting messages. [John G. Kappas, Professional Hypnotism Manuel]

My dominate response is direct, but I tend to be close to the middle, for when my Mother told me not to do something, I knew she meant it. If she told me to do something, then I should do it. There was a cause and effect. Mother laid down the law and I followed it or I reaped the consequences. On the other hand, Mother could be indirect in her request. She might say to me, "Paul, don't you thing you should go see Mrs. Smith. She is sick and she gave you a gift for Christmas last year." Now that sounds like I have a choice, but I did not. She meant for me to go see Mrs. Smith and, if my answer to her was "no," she would let me know in no uncertain terms that I was to go. She was not asking a question when said "Paul, are you going to wear that shirt with those pants?" She meant for me to change shirts or pants because she did not think they matched.

To illustrate how two different people respond to the same suggestion: In the early days of our hospital’s "no smoking" policy there was a sign at the entrance of the hospital which read, "Thank you for not smoking." The person who responds to direct suggestions will read the sign and may say, "Oh, I can smoke here, but they will not thank me." The indirect suggestion person reads the sign and says, "I am not suppose to smoke here." The sign now reads, "No smoking."

An interesting aspect of our suggestibility is that there is a tendency for a person who hears direct to speak indirectly and for the person who hears indirect to speak direct. I learned this with my communication with my wife. Bobbie and I have been married since 1958 but it was not until the 80's that I learned about suggestibility. When I began to study how people communicate in regards to direct and indirect suggestions, I remember an incident that had occurred several years ago. I came home from work one day and Bobbie was really upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she had asked Tim, our oldest son, to mow the lawn and he only mowed the back yard. At the time, Tim had been out playing with his friends. When he returned home, I asked him why he did not complete his job of mowing the yard. He said, "I was standing by the back door and mother pointed to the back yard and said ‘Mow the yard.’ I did what she ask me to do. I mowed the back yard."

Later that night, Bobbie was cooking supper and we were having meatballs and spaghetti. She was preparing the french bread by buttering the bread and putting garlic salt on top. I don’t like garlic salt on my toast and she knew that I did not like dry toast. I always wanted my bread buttered before it was toasted. When I saw her putting the garlic salt on the toast, I said, "Don’t put any thing on my toast." When we set down at the table to eat, I noticed that Bobbie had put dry toast by my plate. I asked "Why do I have dry toast?" Bobbie said "You told me not to put anything on your toast." I said, "We have been married for more than 20 years and I have never wanted a piece of dry toast." She said "Well I just did what you asked me to do." She hears direct and speaks indirect.

Bobbie likes the room temperature warmer than I do. She may say "Does it seem cold to you?" For many years, I would say, "No." and in a short time she would be angry at me and I would not know why. I would say "What is the matter?" and she would respond, "Nothing!" You seem to be upset about something. What is the matter?" "You know." "No, I do not know." After we went through that exercise for a while, she would say, "I asked you to turn up the air conditioning and you didn’t do it." "Well, I finally learned that Bobbie’s questions were really request. Now when she says, "Does it seem cold to you?" I respond, "No, but if you would like for the air conditioning to be turn up, I will be glad to do it." Or I say, "No, can I get you a quilt so you can be warmer?" Understanding a person’s suggestibility can help your therapeutic work and your private life as it did mine. 

For more on sexuality go to http://www.durbinhypnosis.com/sugsex.htm  

Back in the middle 80s, I completed HMI Courses 101, 201, 301. One of those courses was on Human Sexuality. Kappasinian Sexuality has to do not only with sexual relations but with human relations. To be better prepared to help people with sexual and relationship problems, we should be aware of physical and emotion sexuality. As there is physical (direct) and emotional (indirect) suggestibility, there is physical and emotional sexuality. Suggestibility and sexuality are not the same for a physical (direct) suggestible may be an emotional sexual person and an emotional (indirect) suggestible may be a physical sexual person.

Physical sexual persons project their sexual responses outwardly. They dwell on sex. They desire and need physical sex often, usually as evidence of their acceptance. They cover up or repress negative emotions with this extreme sex drive. Emotional sexuals, on the other hand feel their sexual responses inwardly. They protect the physically body by projecting emotions such as fear or embarrassment to defend or repress physical feelings. The higher an individual’s sexuality on either the physical or emotional side the greater the difference between the two and the more the adjustments have to be for a couple to be comparable.

When I was in college, I read many books on sexuality and how to please the female sexually. Most all the books dwelt with the physically sexual female. Of course, at that time I was totally unaware (as were the experts on sexual behavior) of the sexual behavior of physical and emotional sexuals. An illustration of misinformation which was prevalent in all those books was that when the sex act was over, the female wanted the male to continue to touch, caress and be affectionate. However, one of the characteristic of an emotional sexual person of either sex is that when the sex act is over; he or she wants go on to other things such as go to sleep, go to the bathroom, get dressed, etc. Well, it so happened that I am a physical sexual person and my wife is an emotional sexual so when I wanted to continue the courtship after sexual intercourse, she wanted to go on to others things. My response to her reaction was that I felt rejected. When I learned about physical and emotional sexuality, I understood her reaction was not rejection but just her built-in response. There are a lot of other differences between physical and emotional sexual people which if know can prevent a lot of misunderstanding between sexual partners.

One of the characteristic of emotional sexuals is that when they has experienced an orgasm further stimulation is undesirable. They usually want no more touching. What had all those sex manuals told me about being a good sex partner? They told me that the woman wanted to continue to be touched after her climax as a means to show her that her mate loved her after sex as he had before. I happen to be a high physical sexual male and my wife a high emotional female. We have been married over 44 years. For over 20 years, I questioned my abilities as sexual partner because when sex was over, she wanted to stop all touching, kissing and caressing. It was like she was saying, "kiss me and go to sleep." As a result, I felt rejected. Once I knew about physical and emotional sexuality, I knew that was just the way emotional sexuals react. Know I can say, "Gee that must have been good for her because she just wants me to kiss her and leave her alone."

Emotional sexuals have a sexual cycle. Her/his individual sex urge may assert itself every 3 days, every 7, every 30, every 6 months, once a year. Physical sexual are generally always ready to have sexual relations. In the beginning of a relationship, both tend to be more physical, but as the relationship continues, the emotional and physical characteristics become more dominate. The emotional sexual may be very active for a few days and then nothing. In most the physical sexual partner takes this as rejection. By understanding the emotional sexual cycle, the physical sexual can learn to deal with the situation much better because it is not rejection, but the cycle.

Emotional sexuals may have some difficulty in expressing verbally their love for their mate. Remember the play and movie, "Fiddler on the roof." In that play, the wife could not say, "I love you." Her husband says something like, "You never say, ‘I love you.’ Do you love me?" She replies something like, "Of course, I do. I cook your food, I keep a good house for you, I have your children. Of course I do." She was obviously an emotional sexual female and he was a physical male.

Some years ago, I was working with a couple and one of the main problems was the husband’s difficulty in saying, "I love you." He was a good husband and father who helped her with washing the dishes, taking out the garbage and such things. He brought her flowers on special occasions and surprise gifts from time to time. She said, "Do you love me?" He said, "Yes, of course." She responded, "Well, please tell me so." He replied, "You should know I love you because I wash the dishes, I take out the garbage and bring you flowers." They had completed the suggestibility questionnaire and the sexuality questionnaire. She responded better to direct suggestions and was a physical sexual. He was a physical suggestible and an emotional sexual. I suggested to her, "Every time he washes the dishes, hear ‘I love you.’ Every time he takes out the garbage, hear ‘I love you.’ Every time he brings you flowers or a surprise gift, hear, ‘I love you.’" I saw them several months after they had completed counseling and they were much happier

Understanding your own, as well as your partner’s sexual response factors can improve your relationships, enhance your sexual relationships and reduce the possibility of misunderstandings. When the understanding of your client’s sexual response factors are needed in the therapeutic situation, the knowledge can improve your counseling. A proper understanding can allow you to help people change direction from a possible destruction of their relationship to a happier and more successful way of life. Working with people who have sexual and relationship problems. the goal is to bring the clients sexuality closer to the center. 

For more on sexuality go to http://www.durbinhypnosis.com/sugsex.htm